The horrible person is my roommate… not me!

Last week my therapist called me a “horrible person”.

multiple times

I couldn’t deny it. I will analyze the shit out of a person. I’m a bloodhound and nothing will stop me from figuring out your intentions.

She said I was a horrible person because I always look for the worst possible outcome in every scenario. Our conversation was all in a friendly banter and she was showing me that I have a choice of being a “horrible person” or giving up that need to always feel like I need to have a contingency plan or have total control. The idea is to give up the tendency to look for the worst in people and situations. Her white board flow chart of my thinking always left me in the worst case scenario.

Over the next week, I began to break down this thinking and I feel that it is a protective mechanism to always be prepared. That’s part of PTSD. Or maybe it’s just a Boy Scout code of be prepared for shit. (Or something)

The “horrible person” ideal also brought up an inner dialogue. The need to tell my therapist of who I am. “She should have an idea of who I am by now. Haven’t we be talking about who I am for the past four sessions?” No. We’ve been talking about my domestic issues. My goal was to work on me, but really, I’ve been ruminating over the same shit about someone else this whole time. The conversation always turns to my deep hurt and trust being demolished and the depression, anxiety and pain that follows. Over. And over.

Get over it, and work on me! Right?

I came across this audiobook called “The Sacred Self” by Michael Singer during my week of rumination. Very honestly, this book is a Universe Nod (people, places or things that come into my life in a very timely fashion.) It’s an audiobook about exploring who we are and the ability to observe ourselves and the world around us by tapping into meditation and mindfulness and letting go of pain, thereby achieving happiness. It focuses on getting rid of the inner dialogue, opening the heart and achieving enlightenment. I’d love to quote most of the book, but to keep your interest and to avoid risking copyright violation, I’ll send you to the Google Book so you can read these few pages regarding opening the heart… start on page 44 where it talks about ” There are centers within that channel your energy flow. When you close them, there is no energy. When you open them, there is. Although various energy centers exist within you, the one you intuitively know the most about opening and closing is your heart. Let’s say that you love somebody, and you feel very open in their presence. Because you trust them, your walls come down allowing you to feel lots of high-energy. But if they do something you don’t like, the next time you see them you don’t feel so high. You don’t feel as much love. Instead, you feel a tightness in your chest. This happens because you closed your heart. The heart is an energy center, and it can open or close…. When you close your heart center, energy can’t flow in. When energy can’t flow in, there is darkness. Depending on how closed you are you either feel tremendous disturbance or overwhelming lethargy. Often people fluctuate between these two states. If you find out that your loved one didn’t do anything wrong, or if they apologize to your satisfaction, your heart opens again. With this opening you get filled with energy, and the love starts flowing again….” and read through 46.

But here’s the words that struck me the most regarding heart his description of heart energy…

“Humans have an innate tendency to close as a means of protection. But closing your heart is not really protecting you from anything; it just cuts you off from your source of energy. In the end, it only serves to lock you inside… do not let anything that happens in life be important enough that you’re willing to close your heart over it….”

Is there a connection to my chronic pain, depression and anxiety and my heart closing?

If you’re feeling The Universe Nod yourself, check out Mr. Singer’s description of inner dialogue… it truly hit me where I needed to be hit. There’s an analogy of your inner dialogue being your insane roommate that had me rolling.

I’ve been listening to an insane roommate (page 15-22) for the majority of my life! Maybe I’m not a horrible person, maybe my roommate is!
When I saw my therapist on Monday, I told her about the book and the roommate theory. I told her I’d been listening to this inner dialogue (the insane roommate) and believing everything I heard. Trust me, I worded this in such a way that she didn’t come to the conclusion that I was hearing voices… at least I hope that’s how it came across.  We did not do the slow march to the psych ward, so I think I’m in the clear. I explained to her that since I understood that all these catastrophic thoughts in my head were not all true, I could begin to apply the cognitive behavioral therapy worksheets that she kept giving me… and I kept ignoring.

In the meantime, I’ll tell the roommate to shut up when it begins to yell at me about lies, deceit and what happened in the past. It’s all about right now and opening my heart to discover that no matter what, it won’t be hurt. Soon, I’ll have to tell you about the incredible voice (that was not my roommate) which spoke to me while meditating at a yoga retreat in the Bahamas. It had to do with my golden heart…

sleep, biofeedback and weed

As much as I want this post to make sense, it won’t. Here’s the synopsis:  It’s a recollection of a call from a doctor and the prescribed treatments. — now you don’t have to read any further.

I had a phone consult with my holistic doctor yesterday. We talked about biofeedback benefits,  sleep supplements and weed.

I feel so honored to have a doctor such as Wayne B. Jonas to take the time to call me and counsel me at home. Even though what he tells me is a rehash from the last time we spoke. His coaching is slowly making a difference. He doesn’t get tired of explaining to me the benefits of what I am doing, because he understands the nature of the beast that I battle.  His knowledge about natural supplements and non-pharmaceutical remedies including tai chi, yoga, acupuncture and developing my brain to change my body is unprecedented in the medical world.

When I first heard of Dr. Jonas, I was sitting in front of  a “pain panel”.
The “pain panel” consisted of two Medical Doctors who specialize in pain relief, a pharmacologist and a psychiatrist. In fact, it was about this time last year that I told them every detail of my life. Including the fact that I had no “cares” left. I told them that I didn’t want to take narcotics and I didn’t want to take any more medications. I was sick and tired of the side effects. It was at that point that “the panel” asked if I had met Dr. Jonas yet. I could sense an excitement in all of them as they shifted in their seats and their eyes grew wide. I was set up to meet Dr. Jonas a few days later… the doctor whom all other doctor’s marveled.

I didn’t know what to think as I trudged into the consult room. I had very little luck with doctors. Each preached medications and depression and I had always felt like trash as I left. Dr. Jonas was sitting with his back to the door and I greeted him with a joke. “So you’re the great and powerful Oz!” He turned to look at me and he said “The great and powerful Oz was just a man behind a curtain.” His presence was powerful and calm. I could tell what he was about to tell me was going to benefit me to my very core. I also felt unready to absorb all he was about to tell me.

Dr. Jonas and I created a plan to work together over the next few months. He gave me a small book to read about getting “well”. He gave me homework and he emailed me a plan of action. We’ve worked together on and off over the past year. I’ve seen him face to face once more when I lost my way, but mostly we’ve chatted over email and phone. No matter where Dr. Jonas is, he’s always near me.

Last night he reminded me about limbic system development while  working with biofeedback via the  Inner Balance App. I didn’t actually begin using the until about six months after our first meeting. It was hard for me to justify the money I had to spend on the dangle that was required. He explained to me again, the mechanics and the science behind this treatment. Indeed, now that I have stopped all antidepressants this treatment is vital for any positive development I have going forward.

Dr. Jonas also talked to me about my sleep supplements. Since the natural supplements that he suggested I use have stopped working since my body has acclimated, we have to alternate to a different source. Eventually, I’ll be switching between remedies every few months to my body does not acclimate and therefore, I’ll be unable to sleep.

Lastly, we spoke about medical marijuana. He said that I would greatly benefit from it but since we are not in a state that I’m allowed to have it he would suggest a supplement that has the same effects.

This evening, I am so happy that I began the day with the biofeedback. My body has been in so much pain today, but my brain has taken the pain easily and not wrapped me in anxiety. I don’t know if the biofeedback can fix the pain, but hopefully it can help me handle the sadness that it creates.