I’ve struggled. You’ve gotten a taste of it through my writing style. Feeling helpless and hopeless. Knowing that life is better than this but not remembering how to get back to that point. I remember feeling that life was amazing before. Everything was so wonderful. Water tasted better, the air was sweeter, life was brighter! Somehow, having tasted the sweetness of bliss makes my circumstances so much darker. The pain, constant and debilitating. The anxiety, strickening my breath and my actions. Depression, making everything nothing. My life crumbling before my eyes even if it was only from my perspective.
I have been in a cardboard box. With a hole that light filters through. I saw the light out there, but my circumstances wouldn’t let me feel it. I beat against the sides, I struggled… I slammed myself against it, trying to tip it over. I was dizzy, sweaty, tired and distraught.
Eventually I just gave up. I stopped fighting and I just accepted my circumstances. I stopped fighting with my husband. He was going to do what he wanted, no matter my opinion, protests, anger or tears. I quit complaining about the pain. Tired of explaining the day to day struggles of what it’s like to have pain exhaust me. Just shut up and be.
It was somewhat of a relief. I will be here no matter if I cry or not. My anxiety will stricken me, just let it. My depression can take over my body, who cares? I stopped taking my meds, until it hurt so bad that I had to revert back. I let the tears just flow and I let it all go. It was a “F it” time period.
I was returning to my home from my five week stay at the inlaws at the time. “My F’s are all gone.” I told my psychiatrist. “Shit is what it is and I can’t change it.” We agreed to get back on an antidepressant. I agreed so at least the tears would stop running down my face.
And it was true. I became suicidal but told no one. In one way hoping it would go away and in another way afraid I would fail if I tried. Either way I was totally convinced lives would be better off without my burden.
A few things happened. Firstly, the Wellbutrin took away the suicidal thoughts. And It took me just slightly out of the dark. Secondly, my husband saw and responded to my incredible sadness. He went from stone cold to gentle hugs and kind words. He began treating me so sweetly. I was still sad. Afraid he would return to his old ways. But he continued and continued and continued until I began to feel safe and warm in his arms again. And I began saying “yes” to any invitation that I got. Even if I didn’t want to do it.
One of the things that I had to do during this time period was make a decision to give away my anger and fear. It’s like a rat that eats at my stomach. I say “go away” and it does, then it returns when situations arise that make me feel out of control. Will this go away in the end? I’m still in this phase, although the rat has far less power over me. Like before, I have to just stop being angry, fighting and controlling. It all doesn’t matter. I’ll be here.
Here I am, hurt me or don’t. You’ll do what you do. I hope it’s good.
I wished to break free. Be me. I wished for my power back. Here, in “Hit Me” my new therapist and I discussed what I wanted most. To Thrive.
A shift in my thinking is beginning. I learned how to let go and it may have been incredibly sad and lonely at the time but the Universe provides. I’m learning to be thankful for what I have. I’ve also found a fire inside of myself. I’m also learning how to tell the Universe what I want my life to be like. Envisioning my “The Sound of Music”, dancing in a field moment. Feeling free, healthy and happy.
I mentioned that I have tasted the sweet water and smelled the sweet air that makes life so perfect. I have begun to remember the steps I took to get there and I hope to again. Indeed, I’ve had times that I began the shift before, but life’s circumstances slammed me back in the box. I am prepared to keep my head up if circumstances begin to go awry.
Once I began to tell the Universe what I wanted, it wasn’t long before my husband came home with a fire inside of him. He was determined to help other people by taking on this new lifestyle and beginning this journey of eating so healthy that we would both feel so much better. I took this as a nod from the Universe saying “ok, here’s a start.” “Here’s a start to feel better and to bind tight with your husband.”
How the heck did I go from complete despair to beginning a shift? Let’s discuss how I got to despair. You see, it was only last week that I realized how much I’ve changed since January 2015. I was generous, kind, thoughtful and forgiving. I cared. I loved everyone and saw a light in all people. I smiled and laughed all the time! Then I fell and that resulted in the horrific pain and all it entails. Next, as I suffered, I was sexually harassed at work by a man that I consistently forgave for flirting with me. Every day I would go to work with a new heart. In retrospect, I realized my constant forgiveness was his signal to keep going further and further. Even though when he would flirt I would reprimand him, saying no, or hey! But it wasn’t enough. This changed me. I was scared of men for a long time afterward. Remembering the predators that they can be. The scorn I felt after turning him in, from management and others… was too much to bare.
How have I begun my shift back? Lot’s of positive self talk. Realizing that most of the day I was internally complaining about a lot of stuff. I was also complaining out loud too. Everything had a negative spin. That wasn’t me when life was sweet. I had chosen to spin anything into a good thing. Can I go back to a light heart and an easy smile without being wary of the common A-hole? Did I mention that I’ve got my husband back? Not that he left, but my openness has began a work in us so that we are communicating so much better. He has uplifted me so much in the past few months. As a result, my pain has lessoned. I spend less days in extraordinary agony!! I’ve got a lot of pulls from the Universe going on. Everything and everyone is telling me to meditate, be mindful, focus on what you want… not on what you don’t want and be thankful!
See The Secret. I read the book back in 2007 and the way of thinking took me out of a horrible marriage into a sweet life that I had only imagined.
Here’s another thing I’m figuring out. – Do good with what you’ve got –
Here’s what I’ve got.. all the first, second and third world amenities. I’ve got access to health coaches, great healthcare and a way to eat a perfectly balanced diet so I can give my temple a fighting chance. I’ve got a good support system. I’ve also got an audience. Not a large one, but enough chronic pain, anxiety, depression and chronically ill sufferers that could benefit from eating right, thinking kindly and inventing a future that makes them happy.
Could it hurt? Nope not even literally.
Day 3 of eating uber healthy…
- I’ve slept over 8 hours each night since I started.
- I’m tired, but that’s to be expected as my body goes into fat burn instead of carb burning mode on day 3.
- I’m not constipated!
- I’m pretty sure the brain fog is lifting today.
- I’m not hungry, in fact, I’m finding it hard to fit in six mini meals a day.