Wins and Struggles

I’m struggling here. I have to say that the steps that I’m taking have lead me so far out of the proverbial black hole. I’m less depressed and less anxious. My pain has reduced significantly.  These are big wins!

I’m also finding ways to turn around my thinking to look at the brighter side. Including visualizing a healthy, happy and prosperous version of myself. 

My relationship with my husband has met a whole new level. It’s beautiful in my eyes.

My struggle is: on the outside I appear better but, on the inside… I can barely breath, I can barely sleep and I can barely feel enough to care for myself and my house. 

My new meal planning has been good even thought it can be frustrating. The good is that I’ve lost about 3 pounds (I haven’t weighed in a few days). I can actually think clearer. I don’t get toungetied any longer. Actually, learning how to eat every two to three hours on a schedule can feel tiresome. Oh. My. Gawd… I have to eat again? Yes! Because the meals are only about 100-200 calories. So, if I go too long, I’ll be weak and struggle. My glycemic levels are running on a tight line. In addition, there has been a hiccup in the education of my coach. While he is very motivated, he had no idea that I had the incorrect information and, in fact, was not eating enough. I was only eating about 900 calories in a day, without feeling hungry because of the constant eating. So, now I have to eat more for my prepared meals. This is all cool, but I want my Doritos and donuts! 😩 My husband is so motivated to eat better for long term health. I’m over here like.. where is my giant bowl of spaghetti in which I drowned my emotions??

Hopefully the increase in calories will give me energy. I’m pretty sure I’ll need sleep for that, however. 

I am off to the psychiatrists appointment. I also have a Cognitive Behavioral Therapy class. I’m learning the art of seeing problems in a different way, so my body doesn’t go apeshit when shit hits the fan. 

Peace 

Four (or six) letters is not enough

Chronic

Love

Pain

These three words are too small to envelop their own meaning. 

I want a bigger word. 

Pain can absolutely take over your life. Ruin it, exhaust it, soak it completely in shit. Guilt, shame, intolerance, misunderstanding, inability. It creeps into your mind and soul. 

Love can change your whole life. Change the momentum. It can feel great, it can hurt like hell and it will cause you to do the stupidest and most wonderful things. 

Chronic. Nobody knows what that means unless you recreate it and evolve it into a word like “forever”.  Put it next to “acute” and it’s lost. 

Forever

Exuberant

Suffering

Forever exuberant. 

Forever suffering.