Dirt nap

I just came from one of the most depressing and maddening doctor appointments I’ve ever had. 

Basically, I’ve been declined for TMS therapy because I have a titanium plate in my neck. 

There is not enough research to say that this is safe for me so, while it works for everyone else, I cannot have it. 

The doctor spent an hour and a half going over my depression questionnaire and medical history even though she knew I had no chance of getting the therapy. 

You see, we had spoken a few weeks ago about the titanium plate and she explained that she couldn’t do it. She also told me that she had other options and she wanted me to come in to discuss them. 

She told me to get a massage. Do yoga. Meditate. She told me about acupuncture. Exercise. Parasympathetic and sympathetic nervous system. 

So I need to work for a cure. Hard. And I don’t know how to break the bind that my brain has on me in order to start these things. 

If she only knew how I felt, she wouldn’t have been so cold and clinical. And maybe she wouldn’t have told me all about TMS and it’s magical wonders in the same breath as telling me I couldn’t have it. 

I cried through the appointment. I cried walking to my car. I lost my shit when I got in my car. I sobbed and screamed for 15 minutes. I punched the steering wheel. I just feel like I can’t go on. I close my eyes but when I open them, life is still going on. 

I feel hopeless. 

I’ll go to bed and sleep off this anger, anxiety and craziness. Im exhausted. I’ll think about this crazy diet lifestyle change that my husband has us signed up for.  

Maybe I’ll ice my knuckles. 

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3 thoughts on “Dirt nap

  1. Dear gods. What kind of doctor tells you about a miracle treatment knowing the whole time you can’t have it? That is beyond awful and I’m so sorry that your doctor is such an oblivious idiot.

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    1. Thank you! She also tried to trick me into saying I was bipolar. She said “Do you have days where you feel good and plan ahead and clean your house?” I said, “yeah, I do that when I feel good.” “Oh you must be bipolar.” Really??? Because I have days where I don’t feel like trash, I’m bipolar? She’s an A-hole.

      Liked by 1 person

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