From Zen to Twenty Followers

Like climbing the stairs instead of riding the elevator. We do it, not because we feel better, but because we won’t feel any better than this. 

Thank you so much for taking the time to follow me. Even through these past few rough days. Laying out my feelings in such a manner allows the steam to vent. I’m able to let go of those thoughts as I send them out into the interwebs. 

Today I wanted to write about how I would like to use my chronic pain to live a life of gratitude and peace.

In the past, have been many types of people. The pragmatist. The zealot. The forward thinker. The know it all. The “think it till you achieve it”. The “overcome all obstacles” by plowing through it kind of girl. 

Some of these people are what I thought I should be. Some of these people are really me. Especially the bull.  I am bull headed and I hate it. Interestingly, The bull in me is problematic at this point in my odyssey. I cannot plow my way through life’s obstacles any longer. The harder that I push, the harder my body pushes back. Plain and simple.

As much as I want, I cannot think myself out of my body. So the optimist is fired. A few years ago, I went through a challenging stage of recreating my mindset to think positive and avoiding the negative as much as I could. This was an “about face” to my pragmatic ways. And it worked! The change in thinking was a great way for me to rise above HUGE obstacles in my life. Including a crappy marriage, a horrible workplace and several horrible relationships. 

The positive vibes cleared the path to become my favorite “me”

My favorite “me” was the zen master. Ah the happiest time in my life was when I could just let go and observe without judgement. I would walk and feel the ground under my feet. Eat and taste the healthy food that I gave to my body. Drink cool water and say “I love you” as I felt it slide down my throat. I owned very little and It was fantastic. 

The way of life did not last long, however. I married, I found Jesus, I started a new job and began a promising education. While, these things in themselves are wonderful they all require a lot of thought and a lot of busy. And even a lot of guilt and regret. 

The guilt and regret has a lot to do with my Christianity. It’s a tall subject for another time. Essentially, repentance of sins can really mess up your zen. And feeling abandoned by your God can really make your zen fall away. Like I said… for another time. 

Essentially, I want the zen master back. The problem is the zen master is actually a lot of work. Letting go, and not getting caught up in thinking is the easiest way to describe it. Gratitude, love, presence in a peaceful way. 

I made the realization a few days ago, when I read an article about ten good things about fibromyalgia.  These ten good things are about appreciation of details that most people wouldn’t think about as they grind through their day climbing the never ending ladder to “success”. 

Right now, in this moment, I have the opportunity to be the zen master. I have no work and no school. I have the opportunity to avoid first world distractions. I have it all, ready to go. 

My biggest obstacle is my body. Maybe, just maybe, I could use my body as a guide. A que, to slow down and zen. Even in moments of absolute pain. 

Or perhaps, my twenty followers, I took a Percocet and all of this zen talk is madness. 


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